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Stone To
Antichthon
Colors explode
into a whirling vortex of disorientation.
Flash after flash speeding up until it becomes a dull pulsating grey
light flooding the pin sized black pits of Stones eyes. Stone was use to danger, but this
situation transcended danger and stumbled into existential chaos. Stone’s mind, too terrified to even consider
his present situation, began to drift away…drift to thoughts of war, thoughts
of bloodshed, thoughts of fire and destruction… it was his happy place. He remembered the Battle of Omniopticon,
where he single handedly took on an entire planet of pissed off Cyclopes’ with
only his hands and a pointy stick.
He remembered his epic battle with Jupitino Galaxion, this universe’s
space maggot Emperor. The melee took place in the cold vacuum
of space where, with a single gulp of air and only the suit in which he was
born, he leapt from his space craft and fought Jupitino bare fisted and bare
assed. He remembered the challenge
put forth to him by ‘Doc’, the Earth’s most genius and crazed Xenotech
Scientist.
“Stone,”
Doc said, “if you can get me the three space relics of Tartartartarus I can
craft you a weapon of unimaginable force and creation.”
“Will
there be danger?” Stone asked while chawing on a gumdrop, his favorite
substitute for sex and/or violence.
“Like
you have never even contemplated.”
“Where
do I start?”
This
began one of the most harrowing and terrifying journeys any man has ever
faced. A tale of crushing force
meets blinding might. The story
that made Stone the legend his is today.
A story that traversed the known universe and a few unknown ones. But this is not that tale. This is just a memory of that tale
inside of the story about how Stone went from hero to pariah by being the most
brave human to ever live. This is
the story of how Stone brought the plague back to Earth and caused the mess
that defined Stone, not as a hero of legend, but as harbinger of our Earth’s
destruction.
Stone’s
mind wandered back to his space vessel which was shaking so violently that the
interior became a blur of white, but that’s what it was supposed to do. Stone’s entire body shook to the point
where he felt as if every atom in his body was trying to divorce itself from
it’s neighbor, but that was what it was supposed to do. Stone’s mind began to wander away again
to his last meeting with the president.
Stone didn’t like
the president, but he also didn’t dislike him. Stone didn’t really like or dislike much of anything because
he rarely considered anything except for how to fulfill his visceral
urges. This was Stone’s way. It’s not that Stone was compassionless
or incapable of empathy, it’s just that when you’re of an almost demi-god status
it’s hard to relate to the common man, and the president was definitely a
common man.
The president was an older fat man with
Droopy Dog jowls and a horseshoe of white hair around his head. He wore thick black glasses that made
his eyes look like they were about 5 feet further away than the rest of his
face. He usually wore white suits that
fit impeccably and he almost always had a cigarette in his mouth, unless he was
on TV…then it was a stubby cigar.
Like most other humans, the president was full of fear and ignorance. Like most other humans the president
had believed that he was important, then he convinced the rest of the world to
believe that he was important and this affirmed his belief that he was
important. This was the major
difference between Stone and the president; where the president based his
beliefs and feelings on the beliefs and feelings of his peers, Stone has no
peers to base his beliefs and feelings on and even if he did he wouldn’t give a
shit what they believed or felt.
This is why the president hated Stone.
“Stone,”
said the president with a mouth full of cigarette smoke, “the Earth is fucked
and you’re the only man that rip the cock out of it.” He choked on his last word and began a coughing fit that
ended in an oyster of brown jelly hurling itself from his mouth to the center
of the great seal of the United States of Earth which adorned the floor of SMS
#23, the president’s favorite secret meeting spot.
Stone
was staring at the brown, shiny, jiggling lump of lung that the president had
ejected onto the floor. He thought
about how the president was very much like the loogie; small, weak, and
poisonous. Stone was half
listening when he replied, “I prefer fucking to unfucking, but a job’s a
job. What’s the skinny?”
Stone’s
mind faded back again to his spacecraft.
The vibrations had ceased, but that’s what they were supposed to
do. Stone began to panic.
“Why isn’t this
crap-ass ship vibrating anymore?
Shit, has Doc’s device shut down?
Doc, you funky ass turd… this ship is about to hit the sun at 10,000
miles per minute and Iccarus the hell out of itself...damn.” His knuckles
whitened against the white leather armrests of the captain’s chair he was
strapped into. Everything in
the vessel was calm except for Stone.
He decided to look out the porthole in an attempt to calm himself
down.
Stone was always
fascinated with the cosmos and would spend many nights, after single-handedly
destroying a city and ravishing the sexy inhabitants, laying alone looking out
at the stars and planets with a clear mind and calm body. This is what Stone was hoping a peek
out the porthole would do for him now.
What he saw was at first terrifying, and then soothing. The stars and planets were all streaks
and blurs and circles.
“Doc’s device has
leaked out into the universe. A universal
sub-atomic disintegration of weak nuclear force! Crap!” Stone
took a deep breath, held it, and then he remembered what Doc had told him as he
prepared for what would be his second to last adventure ever.
“Differentiational
Vibrofrequential Degravitizing Atomomicon, or DVDA, is going to be known as the
greatest invention ever created.
You remember your little trip to Tartartartarus?” said Doc as he and
Stone sat in the foreign dignitary’s lounge aboard Space Station Station, named
for the not so great General James “Space” Station. General Station had an illustrious military career without
ever engaging in combat more dangerous than a rec hall ping pong match. He appears much later in this story so
we’ll just move on.
“You mean the 10
years I spent genociding planets full of horrible little soft creatures looking
for those damned relics? Yeah, I
remember. The year I came back I
fathered practically an entire generation. “
“Ok stud, well, are
you familiar with dark matter?”
Doc asked with a bet you don’t kind of look in his eyes.
“You mean the crap
I kept running into while crossing the known universe? You can’t see that crap, even with your
headlights on!” Stone replied while slowly flipping a green gumdrop in and out
of his mouth with his tongue.
“Yes yes, very
annoying stuff…well, were you aware that there is also such a thing as light
matter? A matter that is solid
light. Solid energy.”
“Is that what you
had me on the road for 10 years to get?
Some crappy old light bulbs?”
Stone spit out the gumdrop so fast it cinged a few of Doc’s white hairs
black and hit a fly so hard it’s atoms fused with the gumdrop and created a new
molecule, Flumdropnium, the most powerful molecule in the known mulitverse. The Flumdropnium sat on the floor for 4
days before Carl, 21 year old super-science janitor, swept it up and hauled it
to the trash. It will be 38,000
years before any sentient creature will come into contact with it. Be patient, 38,000 years goes by pretty
quick when you’re reading.
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